T.C.W.O.W.S.A - Gundam Style
by Lizzy-B
Summary: The Compleat Work of Wllm Shakspr (abridged) Gundam Style Please R&R and don't forget the footnotes, 1x2 3x4
1. Romeo and Juliet (abridged)

Konnichiwa, I know some people hate stories that have the author of them as one of the characters but when I got this idea I couldn't help myself, you have to read the footnotes at the end to see all the humor in this piece. I got this from "The Compeat Work of Wllm Shakspr (_abridged)_" And if you haven't seen it I highly recommend it. Now not to give my story away to much here I go. 

In order to understand this a little better we use notes like this **T/Ben** that stands for Trowa playing Benvolio. I just thought I'd make that clear. 

Also with the footnotes the super scripted numbers tell to what footnote to see this is an example of a superscript footnote number 1 That tells you that you should see footnote number 1 for more information about the text spoken below.

I did not create this piece just changed a few characters this piece belongs to 'The Reduced Shakesspeare Co.' so all rights reserved.

You might actually want to read the footnotes before reading this piece they make it a lot funnier afterwards. Please R&R. 

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_(There is a blackout but we hear voices backstage yelling at each other)_

**Wu Fei:** I refuse to be a part of your unjust games you bimbo 

_(Offended by this remark EB walks up to him and slaps him)_

**EB: **You'll perform and you'll have fun doing it too. 

_(They continued to argue while Quatre and Duo sigh)_

**EB:**Now get out there you two your public is waiting for you. 

_(She addresses to Quatre and Duo; the lights come on-stage, they sweat drop but reluctantly enter; each wears Elizabethan garb and their regular sneakers; they begin warm-ups and stretches; with several female members of the audience complimenting them from their seats; Wu Fei gets shoved out on stage and crashed into Duo.)_

**Duo:** What'd you go that for? 

**Wu Fei:** It wasn't by choice. 

_(Duo gives Wu Fei a cold glare but continues his stretches; several more compliments are thrown towards them causing blush to rise on their cheeks; Wu Fei sits in a chair and begins to address the audience)_

**Wu Fei: **Lets just get this over with shall we _(clears throat)_ Now, we will begin with this attempt to perform Romeo and Juliet1 while I myself will fill in some bits of narration. After extensive textual research and analysis the bimbo backstage without our consent has _(A large book is thrown from offstage left smacking Wu Fei in the side of the face)_ Why you little... 

_(Wu Fei attempts to get out of his chair but is held back by Quatre and Duo)_

**Quatre:** Just continue 

**Duo:** Yeah we'll pay her back later 

_(Quatre looks over at Duo who knocks Wu Fei back into his chair)_

**Wu Fei: **I will pay you back women for this humiliation. _(Clears throat)_ Now where was I oh yes, the bimbo has decided that we will be performing the abridged version of 'Romeo and Juliet' lets start with the prologue shall we. 

_(Wu Fei focuses attention onto Duo and Quatre who stop stretching and stand up)_

**Quatre and Duo **_(simultaneously, with synchronized gestures)_**:**   
"Two households both alike in dignity,   
In fair Verona where we lay our scene,   
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny   
Where civil blood makes hands unclean.   
From forth the fatal loins2 of these two foes   
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;   
Whose misadventure. piteous o'erthrows   
Do, with their death, bury their parent's strife." 

_(They bow. Duo lifts Quatre into a balletic exit, then follows him off.)_

**Wu Fei: **Act One Scene One: In the street meet two men tall and handsome,   
One, Benvolio;3 (Trowa_ enters as Benvolio.)_   
The other named Sampson. _(Heero enters as Sampson)_   
Their hatred fueled by an ancient feud   
For one serves Capulet, the other Montague...d. 

**T/Ben **_(singing)_**:** O, I like to rise when the sun she rises, early in the morning... 

**H/Sam **_(singing simultaneously)_**: **O, I had a little doggie and his name was Mr. Jiggs, I sent him to the grocery store to fetch a pound of figs......figs??? 

_(They look over towards EB who is laughing to herself then they see each other. Simultaneously:)_

**T/Ben **_(aside)_**:** Ooo, it's him. I hate his guts. I swear to God I'm gonna kill him. 

**H/Sam **_(aside)_**:** Ooo, it's him. I hate his family, hate his dog, hate 'em all. 

_(At the mention of hating Trowa's family Quatre gives EB a saddened look)_

**EB:**Don't worry Quatre it's not serious it's just acting. 

_(Quatre nods and continues to watch the performance; Benvolio and Sampson smile and bow to each other. As they cross to the opposite sides of the stage, Sampson bites his thumb at Benvolio who trips Sampson in return.)_

**T/Ben: ** Do you bite your thumb at me, sir? 

**H/Sam:** No sir, I do but bite my thumb. 

**T/Ben:** Do you bite your thumb at me, sir? Wait a minute I just asked him that... 

**EB **_(From offstage left)_**:** You're supposed to say it twice 

**T/Ben:** Oh ok, Do you bite your thumb at me, sir? 

**H/Sam:** No sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I do bite my thumb. Do you quarrel, sir? 

**T/Ben:** Quarrel, sir? No sir. 

**H/Sam:** But if you do, sir, I am for you. I serve as good a man as you. 

**T/Ben:** No better. 

**H/Sam:** Yes. Better. 

**T/Ben:** You lie! 

_(They fly at each other, Massive fight scene. Benvolio chases Sampson offstage. Benvolio then throws Sampson back on-stage, kicks him the ribs, twists his arm. Quatre enters as the prince.)_

**Q/Prince:** Rebellious subjects, enemies to the peace.   
Profanes of this neighbor-stained steel.4   
You, Capulet, shall go along with me.   
Benvolio, come you this afternoon   
To know our farther5 pleasure in this case. 

_(Prince exits with Sampson.)_

**T/Ben:** O where is Romeo? Saw you him today? Right glad I am he was not at this fray. But see, he comes! 

_(Duo makes a grand entrance as Romeo, wearing a very elegant costume and a wistfully sniffed at a rose.)_

Romeo he cried. I'll know his grievance or be much denied. Good morrow, coz.6

**D/Romeo:** Is the day so young? 

**T/Ben:** But new struck nine. 

**D/Romeo:** Ay, me. Sad hours seem long. 

**T/Ben:** What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours? 

**D/Romeo:** Not having that which, having, makes them short. 

**T/Ben:** In love?7

**D/Romeo:** Out 

**T/Ben: **Out of love? 

**D/Romeo:** Out of her favor where I am in love. 

_(There are two sobs from backstage; one EB's the other Quatre's who are both crying8)_

**T/Ben:** What's the matter with you? 

**Quatre:** It's just so sad _(EB nods in agreement; Duo sighs and waits for Trowa to continue)_

**T/Ben:** Alas that love, so gentle in his view, Should be so rough and tyrannous8 in proof. 

**D/Romeo:** Alas that love, whose view is muffl'd still, Should without eyes see pathways to his will. 

**Both:** O! 

**T/Ben:** Go ye to the feast of Capulets.   
There sups the fair Relena whom thou so lovest _(Trowa bursts out laughing; followed by EB and Quatre from offstage; Duo looks like he's about to punch someday as he runs backstage and grabs his script.)_

**Duo:** You were supposed to say Rosaline, Trowa (Trowa laughs but doesn't respond to Duo's proclamation) 

**T/Ben:** With all the admired beauties of Verona.   
Go thither10 and compare her face with some that I shall show.   
And I shall make thee think thy swan a crow. _(Exits laughing to himself.)_

**D/Romeo:** I'll go along, no such sight to be shown, But rejoice in splendor of my own. _(he exits with a scowl.)_

**Wu Fei: **...And so much for Scenes One and Two.   
So now to the feast of Capulet   
Where Romeo is doomed to meet his Juliet.   
And where, in a scene of timeless romance,   
He'll try to get into Juliet's pants. 

_(EB enters as Juliet, wearing an enormous bell like dress. She dances. Romeo enters, sees her, and is immediately smitten.)_

**D/Romeo:** O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright.11   
Did my heart love 'til now? Forswear it, sight.   
For I ne'er saw true beauty 'til this night.   
_(taking Juliet's hand)_   
If I profane with my unworthiest hand12   
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:   
My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand   
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss. 

**E/Juliet:** Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hands too much,   
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;   
For saints have hands that pilgrims' do touch   
And palm to palm is holy palmers; kiss. 

**D/Romeo:** Have not saints lips, and holy palmers13 too? 

**E/Juliet:** O then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do. 

_(EB has no desire to kiss Duo; figuring Heero has her on gunpoint and is ready to shoot any second; therefore the next lines she struggles with)_

**E/Juliet:** Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake. 

**D/Romeo:** Then move not, while my prayers' effect I take. 

**E/Juliet:** Then from my lips the sin that they have took. 

**D/Romeo:** Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urge. Give me my sin again. 

**EB **_(breaking character)_**:** I don't wanna kiss you. 

**Duo:** It's in the script. 

_(EB knees Duo in the groin. He crumples to the floor in pain.)_

**E/Juliet:** You kiss ny the book. Oh coming mother! 

_(EB looks around, curses under her breath. She pulls Wu Fei out of his chair and climbs clumsily onto his shoulders; Heero runs out stage to comfort Duo and helps him to his feet.)_

**D/Romeo:** Is she a Capulet? Ay, so I fear. The more is my unrest. _(breaking character, to EB)_ What are you doing? 

**E/Juliet:** The Balcony Scene.14

**D/Romeo:** But soft, what light15 through yonder window breaks? 

**E/Juliet **_(struggling to stay balanced)_**:**   
O Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou Romeo?16   
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,   
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.   
What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose   
By any other name will still smell.   
O Romeo, doff thy name,17 which is no part of thee,   
Take all myself. _(Wu Fei's finally gotten over irritated with EB sitting on his shoulders and proceed to plummet her off them.)_

**D/Romeo:** I take thee at thy word. Call me but love,18   
And I shall be new-baptiz'd.19 Henceforth   
I shall never be Romeo. 

**E/Juliet:** What man art thou?20 Art thou Romeo, And a Montague? 

**D/Romeo:** Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike. 

**E/Juliet: **Dost thou love me then? I know thou wilt say aye,   
And I will take thy word. Yet if thou swearest,   
Thou mayest prove false. O Romeo, if thou dost love,   
Pronounce it faithfully. 

**D/Romeo:** Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear - 

**A/Juliet:** O swear not by the moon! 

**D/Romeo:** What shall I swear by? 

_(EB thinks and points at one of the innocent female readers in the audience.)_

Lady, by yonder blessed virgin, I swear- 

**E/Juliet **_(referring to the woman)_**:** I don't think so. "No,   
Do not swear at all. Although I joy in thee,   
I have no joy in this contract tonight.   
It is too rash, too sudden, to advised,   
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be   
Ere one can say it lightens, Sweet, good night. 

**D/Romeo:** O wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?21

**E/Juliet:** What satisfaction canst thou have? 

**D/Romeo:** The exchange of thy love's faithful vows22 for mine. 

_ (A gunshot is heard and EB feels the bullet fly past her head; EB turns to see no one backstage. There is a pause of silence before EB continues.)_

**E/Juliet:** I gave thee mine before thou did'st request it.   
Three words, gentle Romeo, and then good night indeed.   
If that thy bent of love be honorable,   
Thy purpose marriage, send word tomorrow.   
Good night, good night; parting is such sweet sorrow-   
Really, it is. _(She exits blowing a kiss to the love-struck (acting love-struck) Romeo. Another gunshot is heard and again a bullet springs by EB's head cutting off her pony tail; which she picks up before exiting. There are several sounds of smacks and punches; Duo sweat drops before he begins.)_

**D/Romeo**: Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast.   
O that I were sleep and peace, so sweet to rest. _(Freezes.)_

**Wu Fei:** Lo, Romeo did swoon with love;   
By Cupid he'd been crippl'y   
But Juliet had a loathsome coz   
Whose loathsome name was Tybalt. 

_(Heero enters as Tybalt, snarling, he puts a gun in his pocket while carrying two foils.)_

**H/Tybalt:** Romeo, the love I bear thee can afford   
No better term than: thou art a villian.23   
Therefore turn and draw. 

**D/Romeo:** Tybalt, I do protest, I never injured thee,   
But love24 thee, better than thou canst devise. 

**H/Tybalt:** Thou wretched boy, I am for you! 

_(Tybalt throws Romeo a foil. Romeo closes his eyes and extends the blade, nearly impaling the advancing Tybalt.)_

**H/Tybalt:** I I am slain. _(Heero bows and exits)_

_ (Wu Fei flips frantically through pages of the book. Duo is concerned.)_

**Duo:** Now what do we do? 

**Wu Fei:** I don't know. He skipped all this stuff. _(pointing to a place in the book)_ Go to here. 

**Duo:** Okay _(Exits.)_

**Wu Fei:** So...from Tybalt's death onwards, the lovers are cursed   
Despite the best efforts of Friar and Nurse;   
Their fate purses them, they can't seem to duck it   
And at the end of Act Five, they both kick the bucket. 

_(Juliet enters, riding an imaginary horse, humming the 'William Tell Overture.')_

**E/Juliet:** Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steeds,25   
And bring in cloudy night immediately.   
Come civil night! Come night! Come Romeo,   
Thou day in night! Come, gentle night!   
O night night night night...   
Come come come come come!   
_(aside to the readers)_ I didn't write it.   
And bring me my Romeo! 

_(Quatre enters as the Nurse)_

**E/Juliet:** O it is my nurse. Now nurse, what news? 

**Q/Nurse: **Alack the day, he's gone, he's killed, he's dead! 

**E/Juliet:** Can heaven be so envious? 

**Q/Nurse:** Romeo, Romeo! Who ever would have thought it? Romeo! 

**E/Juliet:** What devil art thou to torment me thus? This torture should be roared in dismal hell. Hath Romeo slain himself? 

**Q/Nurse:** I saw the wound, I saw it with mine own eyes--God save the mark26 here in his manly breast.27 Men are all dissemblers, they take things apart and ressemble them--I don't know what a dissembler is. 

**E/Juliet **_(accosting a male reader)_**:** O no! He's dead! He's gone, he's killed, he's dead, what are you doing tonight?   
O break my heart! Poor bankrupt break at once.   
To prison eyes, ne'er look on liberty.   
Vile earth to earth resign, end motion here,   
And thou and Romeo...go drink a beer. 

**Q/Nurse: **O, Tybalt was the best friend I ever had.   
That ever I should live to see thee murder'd! 

**E/Juliet: **Is Romeo slaughter'd and Tybalt dead?   
My dear lov'd cousin and my dearer love?   
Then dreadful trumpets sound the general doom!28

**Q/Nurse: **No, Juliet, no! No!   
Tybalt is gone and Romeo banished!

**E/Juliet: **O Gad! Did Romeo's hand shed Tybalt's blood?****

**Q/Nurse: **It did, it did, alas the day it did.

_(They sob and scream hysterically, finally pick up mugs and throw water in each others faces.)_

**E/Juliet and Q/Nurse **_(bowing)_**:** Thank you.

_(Quatre exits, leaving Juliet alone to assess the situation.)_

**E/Juliet: ** Now Romeo lives, whom Tybalt would have slain.   
Well, that's good, isn't it?   
And Tybalt is dead, who would have killed my husband,   
Well, that's good, isn't it?   
So why do I feel like poo-poo?

_(Trowa enters as Friar Laurence.)___

O, Friar Laurence! Romeo is banished and Tybalt is slain and...

**T/Frair:** Juliet, I already know thy grief. Take thou this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou off.29 And presently through all thy veins shall run a cold drowsy humor.

**E/Juliet **_(Takes bottle and drinks)_**:** O, I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins.

**T/Frair:** Told you so.

_(Friar exits. Juliet begins to convulse, and flips over unconscious. Romeo enters. He sees Juliet and rushes to her prone body, accidentally stepping on her breast while doing so.)___

**D/Romeo:** O no! My love, my wife!   
Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath,   
Hath no power yet upon thy beauty.   
O Juliet, why art thou so fair?   
Shall I believe that unsubstantial death   
In amorous, to keep thee here in the dark   
To be his paramour? Here's to my love.   
_(He drinks from his poison bottle.)_   
O true apothecary, thy drugs30 are quick.   
Thus, with a kiss, I die...

_(Duo is having trouble kissing EB; Knowing that Heero and the rest of his friends are watching. He has no wish to kiss her either. Struggling to kiss her he takes another drink of potion finally kisses her.)___

Thus with a kiss, I die31

_(Romeo dies. Juliet wakes up to hear Quatre sobbing backstage, she ignoring him, stretches, scratches her butt, and looks around.)___

**E/Juliet:** Good morning. Where, O where is my love?

_ (She sees him lying at her feet and screams.)___

What this? A cup closed in my true love's hand?   
Poison I see hath been his timeless end. O churl.   
Drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after?   
Then I'll be brief. O happy dagger! This is thy sheath.32

_(She unsheathes Romeo's dagger and does a double take: the blade is tiny.)___

That's Romeo for ya.33

_(Juliet stabs herself. She screams, but to her surprise, she does not die. She looks for a wound and can't find one. Finally she realizes that the blade is retractable. This is a cause for much joy. She stabs herself gleefully in the upper torso and on the crown of the head, delighting in a variety of death noises. Finally, she flings her happy dagger to the ground.)___

There rust and let me die! The End! _(Dies.)___

_ (Duo and EB rise and bow. Quatre, Trowa, and Heero enter and also bow, Wu Fei appears holding a flute which he gives to Quatre then bows.)___

**Wu Fei:** Epilogue.

_(Quatre plays the flute in rhythm with Trowa and Heero's epilogue)___

**Trowa and Heero **_(simultaneously, with synchronized gestures)_**:** A glooming peace this morning with it brings;   
The sun for sorrow will not show it's head;   
Go forth and have talk these sad things;   
Some shall ne pardon'd, and some punished;   
For never was there a story of more woe   
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

**All **_(singing)_**:** And Romeo and Juliet are dead.

_(Quatre stops playing and the lights drop the stage into darkness)___

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What did you think? Well now I highly recommend that you go to the footnotes page and read the foot notes. If you don't then you'll miss all the humor ad-libbed in this piece. Trust me you'll like it more if you do. Remember what the little numbers mean and please R&R

PS: I really don't like Duo, I like Quatre. But after the blackmail and threats from Trowa I decided that I'd just limit myself to real guys.

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	2. Footnotes to Romeo and Juliet (abridged)

Footnotes:

I hope these footnotes are in the correct order please tell me otherwise if they aren't.   


1. _Romeo and Juliet_ was first printed in 1597 under the following title: 'An excellent conceited Tragedie of Romeo and Juliet. As it hath been often (with great applause) plaid publiquely, by the right honourable the L. of Hunsdon his seruants.' Perhaps Shakespeare is allowed to be 'conceited,' being the greatest playwright ever, but that doesn't excuse wearing plaid in publique. It's a fashion felony.

2. '_fatal lions_'; in Shakespeare's day, men's penises were often grounded to a razor-sharp edge on a specially designed lathe and used, not only as lethal weapons, but as everyday 'tools.' They would often be used as 'boning' -knives and, in seafaring circles, to clean fish--hence the term 'cod-piece'.

3. '_Benvolio_'; a character now believed to have been modeled after the famous 14th century courtier/soldier/loan-shark Benny ("The Snake") Volio, who was in turn the bastard son of 13th century margarine magnate Sir Ben of Oleo.

4. _'neighbor-stained steel';_ the image becomes disgustingly clear in light of the use of penises as weapons; see footnote 2 above.

5. _'farther'; _originally 'farter's', excised for indecency by the Lord Mayor of London, c. 1599.

6. _'coz'_ pinhead.

7. _'In love?'; _in the 1598 Quarto, 'say what?'

8. _'tyrannous'; _dinosaur-like.

10. _'Go thither';_ why Benvolio, who is obviously one of Romeo's closest friends, suddenly starts calling him 'thither' is unclear. Samuel Johnson suggests that 'thither' should read 'zither,' and that Benvolio is suggesting Romeo ease his sorrows by practicing his music. A very dumb emendation. Rowe posited that Benvolio is trying to say 'sister'but has a terrible lisp. That of course doesn't make any sense either, but it's an amusing image.

11. _'O she doth teach the torches to burn bright';_ obviously, Romeo's infatuation with Juliet instant and complete. Post-modern scholars have compared Juliet's effect on Romeo to Bob Marley's effect on the reggae scene in Jamaica

12. _'my unworthiest hand'; _most likely a Queen, a Jack, a nine, a four, and a three.

13. _'holy palmers';_ actually 'holey palmers' -- course, woolen gloves favored by the Roman Catholic clergy of the time which were frequently worn through by excessive groveling.

14. _'the Balcony Scene';_ a performance note, supplied by EB: If Juliet should outweigh Romeo by more than 57 pounds, the 'balcony effect,' as we call it, can be achieved by climbing a tree, suspending yourself by a bungee cord, or, if all else fails, by leaping at least eight feet into the air and hovering there. Under no circumstances use an actual balcony.

15. _'light'_; in this context, obviously a euphemism for 'wind.'

16. _'wherefore art thou Romeo?';_ perhaps the most widely misconstructed line in all of Shakespeare. The ignorant masses (that's you the humble reader), generally assume 'wherefore' to mean 'where' and believe that Juliet is asking where, in physical space, Romeo is located. In fact, 'wherefore' means 'why'. Juliet is asking him why he wastes all his time on his paintings ('Wherefore _art_ thou Romeo?') when he could probably get a real job as an accountant or at least an insurance salesman and buy a nice late-model carriage to ride in when going out for pizza and expresso and cruising the piazza on Saturday nights.

17. _'doth thy name' 'doff':_ v.t. to misspell (as in: he _doffed_ 'lycnthropy' on the vocabulary exam and was chided.)

18. _'but love';_ 1598 Quarto edition reads, 'butt-love.' In Shakespeare's day, slang for 'homosexual.'

19. _'new-baptized';_ in earlier performances the line is believed to have been, 'gnu-baptized.' A popular fertility ritual of the late 1500s involved obtaining an exotic animal from distant land and allowing it to urinate on a virgin. Gnus were among the most popular beasts for the ritual.

20. _'What man art thou?';_ again, Juliet is fixated on Romeo's artwork, and wants to know who his male model is. Her suspicions have been aroused by the 'butt-love' reference (see footnote 18.)

21. _'O wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?';_ in the 1598 Quarto, 'O Wilt! Thou leave me so unsatisfied,' signifying a bawdy cameo by basketball legend Wilt Chamberline.

22. _'faithful vows'; _in the 1958 Quarto, 'fateful fluids'

23. _'villain';_ in the 1598 Quarto, 'wanker'.

24. See footnote 18

25. _'fiery-footed steeds';_ horse-hotfoots were another cruel pastime of the period, along with bear-baiting, teenage-prostitute scouring, and unedited, four-hour productions of King Leer.

26. _'God save the mark'; _'mark' was yet another Elizabethan slang term for 'homosexual'; the phrase was later to become 'God save the Queen.'

27. _'manly breast';_ the use of oxymoron is fascinating.

28. _'General DoomTM''_ is a licensed character of AdventureTime Comics, Inc., all right reserved.__

29._ 'this distilled liquor drink thou off'; _the RSC debated intensely about the inclusion of this line, given the saddened abuse of alcohol which ravages our society, However, as the 'distilled liquor' is central to the plot, we include it with this disclaimer: to any children or teenagers who may be reading this story, we wish to affirm our strong commitment to reducing alcoholism in out society. Don't drink. And if you drink, don't drive. Drinking is not cool.

30. _'drugs';_ drugs, however, are great. Do lots of them.

31. This editor's lawyer tells him that some impressionable youths might not understand that last footnote was a joke, and that their parents might sue him for many clams when little Johnny bludgeons Aunt Sophie to death with his Stratocaster while under the influence of PCP. He suggests I include a further disclaimer. Although I feel it out of place in a scholarly work such as this, I am legally compelled to say, 'Heh-heh, just kidding, kinds. Do whatever Mom and Dad tell you to do. Never question authority. Don't think for yourself, and above all, don't have any fun.

32. _'O, happy dagger! This is thy sheath'; _this line again plays on the penis-as-a-sword metaphor (see footnote 2 above). A 'happy-dagger' was, of course, an erection, and the sigh of the young actor portraying Juliet 'unsheathing' Romeo's would have provoked much general mirth among the groundlings.

33. _'Well, that's Romeo for ya';_ a reference now to the _size _of Romeo's genitalia, or alleged lake thereof. If you don't under the humour of this then just think of it really immaturing, you'll be sure to laugh.

And there you have it for the footnotes folks, please tell me what you think and R&R remember this was written by the Reduced Shakespeare Company (all rights reserved) : )


	3. Titus Andronicus now on every weekday fr...

Konnichiwa, I know some people hate stories that have the author of them as one of the characters but when I got this idea I couldn't help myself, you have to read the footnotes at the end to see all the humor in this piece. I got this from "The Compeat Work of Wllm Shakspr (_abridged)_" And if you haven't seen it I highly recommend it. Now not to give my story away to much here I go.

In order to understand this a little better we use notes like this **T/Ben** that stands for Trowa playing Benvolio. I just thought I'd make that clear.

Also with the footnotes the super scripted numbers tell to what footnote to see this is an example of a superscript footnote number 1 That tells you that you should see footnote number 1 for more information about the text spoken below.

I did not create this piece just changed a few characters this piece belongs to 'The Reduced Shakespeare Co.' so all rights reserved.

You might actually want to read the footnotes before reading this piece they make it a lot funnier afterwards.

Beware of some Relena bashing....

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**EB:** Ladies and gentlemen, in preparing this unprecedentented 'Complete Works' show, I have encountered this problem: how to make 400-year-old plays accessible to a modern audience. One popular trend is to take Shakespeare's play and transpose them into modern settings.1 We have seen evidence of this with Shakespeare's plays set in such unusual locations as the lunar landscape. Nazi concentration camps, and Cleveland, Ohio. In the vein, I've traced the roots of Shakespeare's symbolism in the context of a pre-Nietzschean society through the totality of a jejune circular relationship of form, contrasted with a complete otherness of metaphysical cosmologies, and the ethical mores entrenched in the collective subconscious of an agrarian race.2 So we now present Shakespeare's first tragedy, 'Titus Andronicus,' as a cooking show.

_(EB waits for DUO to enter as TITUS ANDRONICUS; she looks backstage to see all five Gundam pilots asleep in a heap after her long drawn out speech. She clears her throat loudly; no response; again; no response.)___

**EB: **Wait just a second now.... _(Pulls of squirt gun out of her pocket and walks backstage)___

**Duo:** Ah! That's cold

_(We hear QUATRE squeak and several other muffled complaints from the other 3 pilots as they begin to stand up. DUO enters as TITUS ANDRONICUS, wearing an apron and carrying a large butcher's knife. He is somewhat reminiscent of Julia Child.)___

**D/Titus: **Good evening, everyone! Good evening, gore-mets, and   
welcome to 'Roman Meals.' I'm your host, Titus Androgynous.   
Now, when you've had a long day - your left hand chopped off,   
your sons murdered, your daughter raped, her tongue cut out,   
and both her hands chopped off - well, the last thing you want to   
do is cook. Unless, of course, you cook the rapist and serve him   
to his mother at a dinner party! My daughter Lavinia and I will   
show you how.

_ (QUATRE enters as LAVINIA, clutching a large mixing bowl held between her stumps (what's left of her hands), pushing RELENA_   
_ as the RAPIST in front of her.)___

Good evening, Lavinia!

**Q/Lavinia: **Ood ebeie, mubba.3

**D/Titus:** And how are we feeling today?

**Q/Lavinia:** Ot so ood, mubba. I ot my ongue tsopped off.

**D/Titus:** I know. It's a pisser, isn't it? But we'll get our revenge, won't we?   
Now hark, villain. I will grind your bones to dust,   
And of your blood and it I'll make a paste;   
And of the paste a coffin I will rear   
And make a pasty of your shameful head.   
Come, Lavinia, receive the blood.   
First of all, we want to make a nice, clean incision from carotid   
artery to jugular vein _(slices the RAPIST'S throat) _like so.

**R/Rapist:** Aaaaargh!

_(Duo's gotten carried away and continues to stab at Relena's body; he's really enjoying himself. HEERO enters out of costume,_   
_ and proceeded to loads his gun and shoot the convulsing body several times in random spots; EB steps out carrying a large_   
_ inflatable hammer; proceeds to hit Heero in the head and drag him offstage before he goes trigger crazy.)_

**Q/Lavinia:** Yecch. That's weally gwoss, mubba.

_(QUATRE looks sick to his stomach as the body begins to drip down the sides of the counter top.)_

**D/Titus:** Be sure to use a big bowl for this because the human body   
has about four quarts of blood in it! And when that he is dead,   
which should be...

_ (TITUS puts a pot on the floor to catch the dripping blood; LAVINIA has dragged the RAPIST'S body to the doorway, where we_   
_ see the butcher's knife rise a fall. RAPIST'S body convulses once, and then is dragged away.)___

...right about now, let me grind his bones to powder small   
And with this hateful liquor4 temper it;   
And in that paste let his vile head be baked...5   
At about 350 degrees. And 40 minutes later, you have the   
loveliest human head pie...

_(LAVINIA re-enters with a truly disgusting pie, prepared earlier.)___

...fit to serve to a king (_pulling a severed hand from the pie),_   
with ladyfingers for dessert! Now, who will be the first to try   
this delicious taste treat?

_(TITUS and LAVINIA offer the pie to a 'COUPLE' humble readers.)___

"Welcome, gracious lord. Welcome, dread queen.   
Will't please you eat? Will't please you feed?   
It's finger-lickin' good!

_(DUO AND QUATRE are excited that Relena is finally dead. They try to give each other a high-five, but since neither has a hand,_   
_ it is a miserable failure.)___

Well, we're just about out of time, everyone. Thanks for tuning in, and be sure to watch next week, when our guest chef, Timon of   
Athens, will teach us how to make ratatouille out of our special guests, the Merry Wives of Windsor! Until then....

**D/Titus and Q/Lavinia:** Bone appetit!6

_(They exits. The stage lights go out.)_


	4. Footnotes to Titus Andronicus (the cooki...

Footnotes For Titus Andronicus:

Please tell me if these footnotes are out of order or I've forgotten one.

1. _'transpose them into modern settings'_; a practice which, quite frankly, gets this editor's panties in a bunch. Whether it's a production of Shakesspear or Sophocles, today's theater-gor must live in dred of walking into a theater and discovering that some classic work has been giben a modernized, socially relevant setting. Oedipus gouges his eyes with a spoon at a 1950's malt shop; Macbeth napalms Banquo in Viet Nam, Julius Caesar dies in Dallas in 1963. More and more, American theater is coming to resemble a season of _Quantum Leap._ Oooo, it makes me angry!

2. _'Ladies and gentlemen...agrarian race'_; don't bother reading that sentence over again. It's covering costume change and is absolutely meaningless.

3._'Ood ebeie mubba'_; it is fairly well accepted among scholars that what Lavinia _intends_ to say in this line is:

My bloody mater, vouchsafe our revenge   
Upon this vile and decrepit worm   
Shall rock the heavens and unleash the clouds   
To pour upon his head this horrid justice!

However, because her tongur has been chopped out, what she actually says is:

Ood ebeie mubba.

4. _'hateful liquor'_; most scholars, this editor included, are confuse by the notion of unpleasant alcoholib beverages.

5. _'head be baked'_; baking human heads into meat pies was in fact a contemporary English, not a Roman practice. Although the culinary technique was dis continued in the mid - 1980s, it has left a liguistic mark: even today, we like to call English people 'pasty-faced'

6. _'bone appetit'_; this is widly acknowledged by modern scholars to be absolutely the worst joke in the entire reading.


	5. Shksprs Comedies

Konnichiwa, I know some people hate stories that have the author of them as one of the characters but when I got this idea I couldn't help myself, you have to read the footnotes at the end to see all the humor in this piece. I got this from "The Compeat Work of Wllm Shakspr (_abridged)_" And if you haven't seen it I highly recommend it. Now not to give my story away to much here I go.

I did not create this piece just changed a few characters this piece belongs to 'The Reduced Shakespeare Co.' so all rights reserved.__

_------___

_ (QUATRE and TROWA enter, each wearing tail coats; TROWA steps forward to address the readers.)___

**TROWA:** Now, when it came to the Comedies, Shakespeare was a   
genius at borrowing and adapting plot devices from different   
theatrical traditions.

_(EB enters also wearing a tailcoat she carries three scripts in her hands and distributes one to QUATRE)___

That's right. These influences include the Roman plays of   
Plautus and Terence, Ovid's 'Metamorphoses' which are   
hysterically funny - NOT - as well as the rich Italian tradition of   
Commedia Dell' Arte.

_(EB hands TROWA and script)_

**EB:** Yeah. Basically, Shakespeare stole everything he ever wrote.

**QUATRE:** 'Stole' is kinda strong. 'Distilled,' maybe.

**EB: **Well, then he 'distilled' the three or four funniest gimmicks   
of his time, and then he milked them into sixteen plays.

**TROWA:** You see, essentially Shakespeare was a formula writer.   
Once he found a device that worked, he used it...

**ALL: **Over and over and over again.

**TROWA:** So, Mr. Shakespeare, the question we have is this:

**ALL:** Why did you write sixteen comedies when you could have   
written just one?

**QUATRE:** In answer to this question, we have taken the liberty of   
condensing all sixteen of Shakespeare's comedies into a single   
play, which we have entitled 'The Comedy of Two Well-   
Measured Gentlemen Lost in the Merry Wives of Venice on a   
Midsummer's Twelfth Night in Winter.'

**EB:** Or...

**TROWA:** 'Cymbeline Taming Pericles the Merchant in the Tempest   
of Love As Much As You Like It For Nothing.'

**EB:** Or...

**ALL:** 'The Love Boat Goes to Verona.'

_(All pivot and march upstage. Blackout. In the blackout, we_   
_ hear:)___

**EB:** Comedy?

**QUATRE:** Comedy.

**TROWA:** Comedy.

_(Lights come up to reveal all three actors, each in a pool of light_   
_ and wearing tailcoats and comedy headgear. TROWA wears_   
_ goggles; EB wears floppy bug atennae and clown nose;_   
_ QUATRE wears a pair of Groucho Marx-funny-nose-and-glasses.)___

**TROWA:** Act One. A Spanish duke swears an oath of celibacy and   
turns the rule of his kingdom over to his sadistic and tyrannical   
twin brother. He learns some fantastical feats of magic and sets   
sail for the Golden Age of Greece, along with his daughters,   
three beautiful and virginal sets of identical twins. While   
rounding the heel of Italy1 the duke's ship is caught in a   
terrible tempest which, in its fury, casts the duke up on a desert   
island, along with the loveliest and most virginal of his   
daughters who stumbles into a cave, where she is molested by a   
creature who is either a man or a fish or both.2

**EB:** Act Two: The long-lost children of the duke's brother, also   
coincidentally three sets of identical twins, have just arrived in   
Italy. Through still possessed of an inner nobility, they are   
ragged, destitute, penniless, flea-infested shadows of the men   
they once were, and in the utmost extremity, are forced to   
borrow money from an old Jew, who deceives them into putting   
down their brains as collateral on the loan. Meanwhile, the six   
brothers fall in love with six Italian sisters, while the other three are   
submissive, airheaded little bimbos.

**QUATRE:** Act Three. The shipwrecked identical daughters of the duke   
wash up on the shoes of Italy, disguise themselves as men, and   
become pages to the shrews, and matchmakers to the duke's   
brother's sons. They lead all the lovers into a nearby forest,   
where, on a midsummer's night, a bunch of mischievous fairies   
squeeze the aphroditic juice of the hermaphroditic flower in the   
shrews' eyes, causing them to fall in love with their own pages,   
who in turn have fallen in love with the duke's brother's sons,   
while the 'Queen' of the 'fairies' seduces a jackass, and they all   
have a lovely bisexual animalistic orgy.

**ALL:** Act Four!

**TROWA: **The elderly fathers of the Italian sisters, finding their   
daughters missing, dispatch messages to the pages, telling them   
to kill any man in the vicinity.

**EB:** However, unable to find men in the forest, the faithful   
messengers, in a final, misguided act of loyalty, deliver the   
messages to each other and kill themselves.

**QUATRE:** Meanwhile, the fish-creature and the duke arrive in the forest   
disguised as RUssians, and for no apparent reason, perform a   
two-man understand version of 'Uncle Vanya.'

**ALL:** Act Five!

**TROWA:** The duke commands the fairies to right their wrongs.

**EB:** The pages and the bimbos get into a knock-down drag-out   
fight in the mud.

**QUATRE:** During which the pages' clothes are ripped off, revealing   
female genitalia!

**TROWA:** The duke recognizes his daughters!

**EB:** The duke's brother's sons recognize their uncle...

**QUATRE:** One of the bimbos grows up to be Vanna White...

**TROWA:** And they all get married and go out to dinner.

**EB:** Except for a minor character in the second act who gets   
eaten by a bear, and the duke's brother's sons who, unable to pay   
back the old Jew, give themselves lobotomies.

**ALL:** And they all live happily ever after

_(ALL bow and exit)_


	6. Footnotes to Shksprs Comedies

Footnotes For All Of Shakspeare's Comedies:

Please tell me if I have these in the right order if they aren't.

1. _'Italy'_; a small country just north of Africa and left of China. Shaped like a boot.

2. _'man or fish or both'_; other wonders of the animal kingdom include: the bombardier beetle, which emits explosive flatulence in self-defense; te platypus; Mr. Ed; and the banana slug, state mollusk of California.


End file.
